This Isn't Mine but Describes That Guy That Got Away

“"Do you love him", she asked.

"I don’t know," I replied.
“I think I’d need to know what love is to be able to say that I feel it towards someone. The last guy I thought I loved hurt me at every turn he possibly could and in the end left me heart broken with his unfaithful misuse of my trust. Since then I didn’t really trust guys like other girls seemed to, so easily. I kept my distance. I smiled and had basic, forgettable conversations. I was never that girl that lit up a room. I grew from that, made some mistakes and became more of the person I wanted to be because of the lessons I took from them. That’s when I met him. When I was recovering from a year of recklessness and new-found freedom. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol that had my second thoughts and insecurities locked away, but when we met, I had never before felt more comfortable with a stranger. I’ve read many stories and watched more movies than I probably should care to admit, so I know how common it is for people to say that they felt an instant connection or had a spark. But I can’t really say that because it’s not true. It was more like getting to know someone you’ve already met before. And I didn’t really understand this feeling until the realisation of how similar we are hit me. But now I get it. We are two versions of the same person. I can talk to him for hours and hours, yet leave feeling as though it couldn’t have been more than one. He is the first guy who has made me feel comfortable enough to speak my unfiltered mind and allow me to search through the memories of his. His sarcastic humour fits neatly into mine and is sometimes the only thing that can foster a smile from me on the days that seem unreasonably devoid of light. Our interests aren’t identical, but our understanding fills those gaps. Some of our differences have started to change into similar interests and I can never explain how delighted I am to have been introduced to so many wonderful things I was once unaware of. I have felt myself becoming better as a person, and it’s obviously not his work alone, but I’d be lying if I told you he didn’t play a part. My appreciation of his existence is something I never really speak to him about - that’s not the kind of relationship we have. I think we hide behind our cheeky insults and inside jokes because that’s where our comfort level resides at the moment. It’s nice though. There aren’t that many people that I feel completely comfortable around, but he is easily one of them. I’m not sure if this is love, but in all honesty, I don’t mind. I care for him, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do to ensure his happiness and I know I will put in the effort needed to keep him around. Love or not, that’s the kind of friendship I want for the rest of my life.””

Moment of writing #1 // (c.m.)

This just summed it all up. Well that sucks.

S.

Yesterday

I had this bonfire thing for my birthday, took way too many shots, feel like poop today, gonna end up at urgent care because I wasn't able to sleep it off well enough (not hung over, just wicked migraine) and doing it all over tonight. Going to the bar tonight, should be fun! Not about to feel like shit for it :/

S.

Birfday.

Well. I lived to be 21. The 16th was my birthday. Festivities this weekend, so pictures will come then!!

To the one who left---

This is to the one who left-
you absolutely do not know what you've done.
You've crushed me, absolutely crushed me.
It's everyday, I see you everyday, in everything I do.
And I don't know what to do.

You see, I can't figure out if it's you, or the reason why you left.
I mean, many times in my life I've left for the same reason, I've left people's lives because I'm sick.
Just like you left because I'm sick.
But that doesn't solve anything. You just ran away from the problem. And created another one.
You broke my heart. And I can't function without you anymore.

Saturdays scan.

So about two weeks ago, I got a call from the doctor saying I needed an emergency scan. I just got it on Saturday. Well. Heres everything in a picture:

So the left picture is a normal brain, the right top is my diagnosing scan from August? I think. And the bottom right is Saturdays. If you remember, I have Chiari Malformation 1, Cerebellar Tonsillar Ectopia, or a brain hernia. You can see it in the space I'm pointing at in the two scans. I decided not to point in the last one so you could look at other landmarks. So you can see a notable difference in the size of my cerebellum, and that's not good at all. 

So I'm just waiting on the doctor to call me with results. The scan was to originally look at the blood flow, but I don't know how to read that portion:) 

I'll try to update y'all.

Much love.

S

Frightening.

Since I saw my last scan, things have changed in myself, and it's honestly kind've scary. I'm not sure why, but I'm starting to find the beauty in the little things. I'm sitting here at work, waiting for the little girl I nanny to get off the bus and I realized I've never really paid attention to the trees. Now I see them, and they're gorgeous, big and full of life. It makes me wonder if I'll ever get to thag point, or if this is how far I'll come. I look at the variety in them, I mean, I don't know anything about trees, but there's one with yellow leaves that's shaped a little rounder, one who's green who's leaves are shaped like a Christmas trees are, but stump is not. It makes me think of how we sit there are judge each other. I mean, these are all gorgeous trees, but I'm not judging the yellow tree for being fat, or the green tree for being too tall, so why as humans do we do that? 

Life as humankind is truly interesting. 

S.

Being sick

Being sick isn't about feeling ill or being in pain all the time. It's not about the doctor's visits, the viles of blood, the antibiotics, or testing out different medicines to figure out which one works, even if it results in weeks of countless symptoms that make you feel on the brink of death. Oh no. This is almost the easist part of being sick.

Being sick also isn't about sleeping more hours than you're awake because you can't stand the pain you're in, or maybe sleeping through a job, meeting, class, 11 alarms, because your body is simply too frail to fight the ailment attacking it, let alone struggle to wake up early after a late night of throwing up because your body couldn't accept the food you fed it. Nah, this isn't the hard part either.

The hardest part is the relationship aspect. To go through this alone can quite honestly be terrifying. But what is even harder is when somebody chooses to  leave because of it. I think at that pont it's safe to say we almost want to give up up the progress  we have made.

Being sick is about avoiding relationships of any sort in order to avoid being hurt, because everybody always runs away.

But I'm not willing to do that anymore. 

I'm terrified, but I'm here to fight. 

S

Doctor's Thoughts.

I was told by my doctor, that one day my heart is going to give up beating from all the pain my body withstands and all the medicine I have been on throughout my life. Well isn't that just dandy. 

Tomorrow, you might not have me. 

-S

Update.

I'm scared this is happening much sooner than we thought. Today, I got to pee blood out, and it still hasn't stopped.. I feel so worn out.. so weak.. I don't feel myself sone days and it's scary. I have two weeks of class left and then I get three weeks until the new semester, so we shall see how this plays out. 

I need help.

I'm having a really rough time getting through everything. They're expecting surgery sooner, my symptoms are increasing, and the days are getting harder to get through. The depression that accompanies this, as well, is increasing. It's so hard for me to get through the days in pain, go to bed knowing I'm going to wake up in pain, and then wake up in pain the next day; it's a neverending cycle that I'm done being involved in. I have my kids to help remind me there is something to look forward to, but I feel as if I'm starting to even lose hope in that.. 

Xoxo. 

S.

Regret Poem- Written 10/8

Regret:

Don't fall in love with me. It'll make me vulnerable. I'll trust you, need you. Don't make me fall in love with you, It'll make me need you, want you.
Desire. Lust. Trust.
Oh the things we'll do to prove we trust each other. Just don't; I don't need it, you shouldn't either. But why? Why do we desire to ensure each other that we aren't breaking these unwritten laws of trust?
Love. Hope. Need.
Don't tell me you need me. Don't make me need you. Please. The things we do, it won't make any sense in the future.
Pain. Hurt. Heartbreak.
It's sure to come, it always does. And all that's left:
Regret.

Writing: October 7th.

I found out some news today, and in this news today, I made a realization. It is, in fact, a possibility that my surgery might happen 10 months before it is supposed to. I might have brain surgery in 2 months. This is crazy. I am stupidly terrified. I was driving home, after this news. After being told that my quality of life in the next two months is just going to keep decreasing when I couldn't imagine this possible when I'm absolutely miserable almost every single day with a pounding migraine.. So anyways, I'm driving home in traffic on this cloudy day in Phoenix rush hour traffic and it decides to start sprinkling, more like spitting. And I made a realization that it is honestly okay for me to be pissed at the world. I could die. And I am holding so strong every damn day of my life, hiding how scared I am, how much pain I'm really in. I honestly just broke down. I just started bawling, in rush hour traffic, and I'm sure I looked like a train wreck, so sorry y'all. But I am pissed. I am pissed at my so called friends who don't give two shits on days I feel like shit. I'm pissed at my roommates who scream when I'm dying of a migraine. I'm pissed at this God figure everybody worships for making me  sick. Because I don't know how anybody could say this can work out for the better, or how I can learn to appreciate this. Because screw you all. I live in pain and have nobody who wants to help me. Not doctors. Not friends. Not God. So my realization is that it's okay for me to be pissed. I do have a right. That is all folks.

But thanks readers. Much love. <3

Xx.

S

Lack of posts

So for whatever reason, my writing hasn't been posting!!!

So an update, for those who are still keeping up with me, thanks by the way:)

My surgeon is a platypus and wants to wait a year to do surgery. My symptoms are increasing dramatically. And I'm miserably in pain every single day. So it makes class super fun but whatever I guess! 

I'm hanging in there, somehow, some way. But my next post will be about something that truly bothered me this past week, so stay alert:) 

xoxo

Sam 

Thursday

On Thursday I find out if I get life changing brain surgery. Brain surgery, you get that? 20 years old. My life is a mess. I'm barely hanging on a thread, mentally and physically. I have nobody standing by my side who is actually there for me. Everybody claims that they care, but who's actually been there for me through it..nobody.. I just need a good cry and a hug..

So anyways. I'll update y'all, but there's a good possibility with my symptoms I'll get it, from what I've been told, and I want it, so keep me in your thoughts. Thanks.

Xx 

S. 

Latest News

I just thought I should address this, for the sake of talking about it, I suppose. As a result of a year straight of a migraine, I decided to get a brain MRI, and the results, not so good. It's been discovered that I have a sort of a brain hernia, called Cerebellar Tonsillar Ectopia, or Chiari Malformation 0-1. To be honest, I'm terrified of what can happen because of this. Of course I did my research, and my fears have come true. The doctor I was seeing doesn't seem to want to address this problem, so I'm on the search for a specialist. The migraine is still persistent, and I'm still struggling, but at least I know that there is an underlying reason for this problem. 

For now.

S.

Vegas trip.

Vegas oh Vegas. There was quite a bit of drama. I cannot understand how my family works. I am so glad I got to be a part of it all though. 

As promised, pictures! 

My lovely cousin is my life and soul. I taught her to be a camera-whore her early in life:) aha. 

My cousin Gauge is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is my best friend, my uncle's son.

that's Gauge's kissie face:)

Wedding pictures!!

Yes I'm ridiculously tall!!

Aha! Jokes the whole time!

And just Vegas pictures:) 

My family took every skee-ball machine:) ahah

My aunt, cousin and I at the aquarium:)

Fun stuff:)

Despite the drama, I loved the time I got to spend with the fambam. They're the best.

For now.

S.

Moving On

Coping with a break up is hard, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that mine actually hurt me. Maybe it's the abruptness, or the words said afterwords, or maybe I'll just never know. But what I do know is that it's never easy to think you know somebody and to find out they are the complete opposite of what you thought they were. I also know that I'm not afraid of going out there and trying to find somebody else, somebody who will treat me as I should be treated, somebody who will keep to their word, and somebody who will be understanding when I'm going through the most critical points in my life. 

I'm going to Vegas tomorrow, and that is going to be the absolute time of my life. No regrets, no thoughts on this ridiculous guy and his stupid actions. Just looking out for me from now on. Be on the look-out for pictures. 

Until then.

S...

<3

Knee Report

Tomorrow, I find out if I get a third knee surgery. My hopes? Yes. The possibility, no.. 

My kneecap dislocates, my quadriceps do not function to full capacity due to surgery, and the bone in my kneecap is breaking down. It's hard to have a surgery that is completely functioning with the circumstances. So hopefully this surgery is able to happen even with these circumstances.

I guess we'll see.

S-

Pain.

I'm tired of the pain,

Staying up til two a.m.

Crying myself to sleep because I can't stand the pain.

I can't handle it anymore, I just want it all to end,

The pain to just all end, the agonizing pain.

I just pray and pray and pray. 

Some day, one day, I just wish it all to end.

One day, maybe one day I won't have to live in pain. 

Maybe one day, some day I won't awaken in pain

Every single morning of every single day.

Pain. Pain. Pain.

I just wish it all to end.

Please just all end.

Sick..again.

So, it's been awhile. I'll update y'all on vacations later:) But here's a status report on thy health.

I find myself with another infection that's pretty serious, and it's absolutely draining me. It takes awhile before it hits, but when it hits, it attacks hard. It hit me last night, and I feel like absolute death. I just started working a new job, and I hope that this doesn't get in the way. 

My infection is not contagious unless my blood gets in the pathway of the other person, so that's good: makes it safe for the kids I watch. Gosh, I'm just so fatigued and in pain. I don't know how my body has been fighting this for weeks, yet am only showing symptoms now. It's quite crazy to think that I had something attacking me this entire time, but my body barely now gave it the power to destroy me? The reason? Who knows...

-S

Becoming Attached....

The worst part about becoming attached is there is always something that causes that attachment to break... and it shatters your heart. Tonight, I found out one of my families with two of the kids I watch is moving states. I've known these kids for nearly two years now, and I can't even begin to explain what they mean to me. This is incredibly hard for me to handle, because I have been in this situation before. It doesn't ever work out, I will lose them, and they will forget about me.. E and D, I love you boys. Thank you so much for helping me mature and grow as an individual, for showing me what it's like to actually live life, to love living.. I'm gonna miss you so much.. You don't always like me at times, and you beat me up sometimes when we're together, but we've always had so much fun when we're together. It's been so neat watching you grow. It's gonna be hard having to watch you grow through a computer screen. Thank you for all the experiences. 

I do wish your family the best, although I am being a bit selfish, you guys deserve it.

Love you guys.

S-

Pain

I know I just made a post saying that my pain level has improved..but I'm just so sick of my knee hurting.. I reinjured it on my hike with my boyfriend, and the pain I've experienced with it the past few days have been unbearable. What happened was that I was being an idiot, not watching my footing and my foot slid on a rock and my kneecap slid down another rock and in the process, that rock forced my kneecap to dislocate. 

But anywho, this pain is getting out of control: I'd like to be able to bend my knee without wanting to cry. I might actually have to call a doctor this time. I pray thay nothing is seriously damaged. I have too many trips to go on this summer!!

For now,

S-

Poem of Mine

So I found this on my computer, I can't remember the time frame I wrote this in, I don't even remember writing this haha. Kind've nervous posting this. Well, here's some of my writing. Welp.

Completion

She stares out the window,

Swallowed whole into her tears

The stars twinkle high above,

and she wonders how they never lose their gleam.

He skips rocks on the river,

Distorting the moon’s reflection

He can’t stand to see how brave it stands

When all other hope seems to have been lost.

Two lost hearts, looking for their shot,

One pictures a family with an unfamiliar face,

One sees a best friend, never to be replaced.

Two lost hearts, brought together because of one cause;

The dreams they once had, now lay shattered on the ground.

Two lost hearts, two lost dreams.

First sight, they attract,

Leaving not a chance for another heartbreak

Now a shoulder to lean on,

And a love so strong;

Two new people, one new gleam.

Together a whole heart, beating as if never broken,

The smile is the finishing touch to that glow upon her face,

As she completes the family portrait in her head, with him filling in the space. 

Victims of Sexual Violence

ASU is currently doing a little snippet on victims of sexual violence, and had people make shirts, that majority of which that said "stand up for yourself and tell someone." Most of you are thinking good job ASU. No. Just no. You are probably not a victim if you are thinking this.

When I saw this, I nearly ran to the bathroom and started to cry. You guys don't know know what it's like. You aren't promoting victims to stand up against those committing these crimes, you're just putting more pressure on these victims. Many of the people that commit these crimes are people we know.. do you know how hard it is to get the courage to tell someone about this crime!? Now, with this movement, you're not only making the victim feel as if they're letting themselves down, but also you. 

I'm a victim. I know what it's like. This movement, it didn't make me feel honored, it didn't make me feel proud that someone was finally standing up for me..it made me feel ashamed that I had not told sooner..one more person I had let down..

I understand you want people to act out, I really do. But understand how hard it is when you're in the situation of hurting somebody's family that you know, or maybe even your own? 

Words of thought.

S.

End of Semester

The end of the semester puts a ridiculous amount of stress on me, to the point I feel like I'm about to fall into bad habits, habits that I've been so good about breaking. Just have to stay strong, get through the next month and I'll be good. I just have to try not to burn relationships in the process and not let myself get super sick. It's hard trying to not give into it, not allowing yourself to be stressed, because this is when I allow myself to get sick, and this just complicated everything. Only a few weeks left. I hope I pass everything.. Welp. Date night tonight, my best friend and boyfriend get to meet, ahh!! Should be fun.

For now. 
S-

Sick

It's so hard for me to be happy when I'm sick. First it was this wicked cold that started attacking my nerves and then my lungs, and then this wicked migraine, when the cold hasn't even subsided!! Everytime I feel bad, I feel like I start to lose myself, and it's so hard to find it again. On top of this, semester is coming to an end, so stress is piling up there as well, and I'm unable to workout and rid the stress. What am I gonna do!? I need to feel better so I can finish the semester well.. 

I feel like I'm treating everyone like dirt because I feel like crap, especially the boyfriend, and it's not fair to them at all. I feel awful. Sorry everyone..:/

Life currently sucks. 

S-

Family Rant.

There's someone in my family who is currently really bothering me, so here goes nothing.

This person, I'll call them M, is on one of the same medicines as me, a nerve medicine. Nerves are very picky, and as one can assume, if messed with, it can become very dangerous. So because M wants to get disability for God knows what reason because she's more functioning than most people I know, she claims she'll just forget her dosages of this medicine in order to make herself sick.

You don't understand how much this angers me. In my situation, it is not a guarantee if this medicine even works on a daily basis, but because I get some relief on some days, I do not want to get rid of it, and I am on an exceedingly high dosage that taking more to get more results could possibly only give me negative side effects. It upsets me that M is just begging for this pain, when this is something I have to deal with on a regular basis. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, but I really do hope M feels side effects, not severe ones, of course, when she rids the pills, since she's willing to do so so enthusiastically,  even though I've talked with her about the side effects. Maybe then she'll realize what I've been going through and start taking her medicine seriously or get off of it. 

Wrong of me, I know..

 S-

The Hardest Part. Angry Rant, I apologize.

The hardest part of having so many health issues is thinking about the future and what it brings. For the past 4 years now, I have woken up in pain nearly every day. It's hard to think of the possibility of this continuing in the future. I'm sure that it will, there's not been a new break through that has shown any hope of my pain streak ending any time soon. It's really not fair that I've had to endure this, though I would rather I be the one that endures this, rather than anybody else, because I wouldn't even wish this pain on my worst enemy.

I always think about my wedding day, and if the pain is going to haunt me then. And how about when I have kids, and my kid's wedding? What will become of me then? The hardest part about all this is when I think about all of that..

And maybe the hardest part about all of it is, is my determination to fight it all, to want to be normal so bad, that I'll fight through every bit of pain just to do what normal people can do: to work out, to hike, to care for the kids I watch. Sometimes, I can barely wear a shirt, but because all the other girls are wearing skin tight shirts, guess what I'll be doing. Or maybe it's my normal work out day and I don't feel good, but I won't let down my work out partners, because I just can't do that to them, or myself. Maybe this determination is good for me because it helps me get through everything. But maybe it isn't..maybe it just makes it all worse..

Before you make your snide little comments about how I can't do something that you can do, because of my health, when it's something that I am actually quite capable of doing, just realize that you've just now challenged me to do it 10x better than you, because I'm not that asshole who judges the sick. I might be sick, but because I'm mentally determined, I might just be way more capable than you are. It's hard enough that I have to struggle with not being able to do something, and having a rather large ego does conflict with that, but in addition to this, having "friends" who make comments about how I cannot complete tasks due to my health really irks me.
I can, and I will do everything that any normal pain-free person can do, just you watch. Be on the lookout, for I am not backing down.

S-

Nerves..

Welp..Another rough day..you know what that means, another rant..
So I've not told anybody the extent of my nerve damage, not even my doctors know how extreme it gets..
Today, I feel like talking about it, because I feel like that's the only way I'm getting through it without breaking down.

So for background info, I have permanent nerve damage in my abdomen. They only know of one nerve that's damaged, but the rest of the nerves in my body try to compensate for this nerve, leaving me in much more pain on some days. I'm still coming down from the smoke incident the other day, my chest is killing me, and now my nerves are in on torturing me. Before my nap, my chest was the only thing that was hurting me, but now, it's my body.

What happens with a flare up..man..let's try to describe this in the most realistic way possible, though I'm not sure I can do the pain any justice..you know that feeling you get when a body part is a sleep? Normally a foot or your hand.. and that feeling when a bug is on you, or you feel like a bug is on you? Combine those feelings. Now multiple these feelings, and add needles into the mix. I'm currently feeling this throughout my chest, parts of my back, legs, in my hips, and down my arms. Withstanding this pain is ridiculous, it hurts to even wear clothes (due to my skin being so sensitive) and I'm simply just shaking from the amount of pain that I'm in.

These flare ups can occur anywhere from hours, to days, to weeks. Mentally, it's hard for me to keep pushing through the pain, because I simply want to sleep through the days until it no longer exists, but I can't possibly do that with the coursework I have at school and with work. This is the time in my life when I'm most depressed, most needy, most moody.

S-

Worst State

He saw me in my worst state, and that's kind've what scares me...

We worked out, went to dinner, went to his house to watch Frozen with his family, and then he took me home. On the way to dinner, we drove by a car that had caught on fire..the smoke absolutely killed my lungs eventually, although at first, the only thing it really did was make my breathing hurt. By the time we got to watching the movie, I had gotten super itchy, and the pain from breathing had just started weighing down on me. Ry took me home, because we had dropped my car off at my apartment, which worked out for me at least, and I fell asleep on the way home.
I was honestly so embarrassed at how my body reacted to just being around the smoke. I guess I should explain why I was so affected by it....my lungs are of poor condition: I have a rare form of asthma, my lungs have gone into "lung failure" although tests later proved that this is not what happened (this was weird, they still can't figure out what happened), and my lungs are just generally weak. I have issues simply with breathing on some days; my asthma trigger is air, cardio is nearly impossible for me. I still lift, work out, stay active, yet some days, like yesterday, something simple like breathing around smoke crippled me for the night..

The truth is, is that this might possibly be the scariest thing I have ever experienced. When I have these episodes, they engulf my body..I'm generally well aware of my body and the way that it works, the reasons as to why it happens, and these attacks make me lose sight of this, I can't understand the way my body feels, I can't begin to explain the things that it's doing, nor connect how the events to one another. I don't like not being in control, so this causes quite a problem.

I don't typically allow people to see me in this state, I would demand to be taken home and just sleep. But something about Ry makes me not want to run, not make me hide. Even though I don't wanna run, don't wanna hide, I'm still so embarrassed, so scared of my health scaring him off. It's not that he would leave due to my health, but I still don't know what it is that makes me so embarrassed by it. I love that he takes care of me through it..it was honestly the greatest feeling ever..I'm overcoming my fears of being seen while sick, and even telling people that I am sick! Didn't think this would ever happen!! He has now seen me in the worst possible state I could be in..

Well, end of my rant for now.
S-

My Greatest Passion

Now, my health hasn't always screwed everything up, it has helped in a few ways, scaring off guys that suck, helping me to find my love in sports medicine, which then lead me to find my best friend!!:) If I hadn't been predisposed to lax ligaments, ligaments that are loose, I wouldn't have dislocated my kneecap, which wouldn't have ended dancing for me when it did. Because I stopped dance, I took sports med on a fluke, just to maintain some sort of an active class. I really didn't know what sports med was gonna be like in the beginning, but I figured if I could be involved with sports, it'd be perfect. I absolutely fell in love.

I should be entirely grateful for my health being so poor, it's hard for me though. I found my calling in life: I hadn't wanted to go into nursing because I was scared of messing up when it came to a life threatening emergency. I've never had much confidence, so I didn't expect myself to be able to perform when it came to being a nurse or a doctor But sports medicine, becoming an athletic trainer or physical therapist, effects a person just as much, if not more, and it doesn't have anything to do with the emergency, life threatening factor!! 

I love my kids, and because I love my kids, I eventually want to open a practice that specializes in pediatric physical therapy. And I think that is my true calling. It might be a rough start, I'm still on the fence about athletic training... I watched softball girls attempt to wrap a cut the other day and almost cried because of their lack of intelligence when it came to taping. I finally found something that I'm good at and I can't do it..
To be honest, the reason I'm not following through with athletic training is solely my health, I don't think that my health can sustain the stress that stems from athletic training for many years, but that's really what my heart wants to do. By pursuing a career in physical therapy, some of the same ideas are practiced, except for the action part of it. I am worried that I won't be happy with physical therapy, but I think in the long run, that's what is best for me to do. I guess we'll see though, right?

Well, for now..
S-

Going Deep..

Well, where do I begin this..

I'm about to get personal, something that is hard for me to do, so I would appreciate a lack of judgement, thanks.

I'm not exactly the girl everyone has always thought I am. I've always been giggly, smiley, outgoing, what have you. I know people, I'm known by people, and I know of people, but the people I consider friends? Probably about 3.. 

I am probably the least trusting person you will ever meet, extremely self conscious, quiet, reserved, whatever. Who I am to the eye and who I actually am are two totally different people, and up until college, that's always worked in my favor, because I didn't have to accept that I was not this popular, outgoing girl up until that point.

I should have known in high school that I wasn't the "it" girl, I never thought I was, nor did I want to be. Maybe it came in my favor that I attended a high school in the same district I went to school in for 7 some odd years. Initially, up until my surgeries, I was that outgoing girl. But when I got sick, and nobody really cared to even see if I was okay, the walls grew tall in my mind, and my outgoing personality then came to a close. 

It really didn't help that I was extremely self conscious at this time, post-operation, emotional from my surgery, and alone, and this is what changed who I was forever.. 

College has changed that, I don't have these selfish assholes that I once thought were friends, who later turned out to not care for me, but rather, these people who care for me, text me when I'm 3 minutes late for a class: major confidence booster. I have kids begging to have me train them at the gym because of the results I'm getting with my workouts. Now, I sound really cocky, I apologize. But for once, I'm enjoying the attention I'm receiving by people who haven't given up on me, at least not yet.

These kids in high school, yeah they ruined me. 

But I guess I can't completely blame them, seeing as I shouldn't have completely relied on them for my happiness. Other factors did effect my happiness, I will admit to that. I guess I didn't help my situation out much by smiling through it and pretending like I was okay, when I really wasn't, and maybe the fault lies on me. I wasn't that happy, go-lucky girl that I pretended to be. I was that depressed girl that counted down the time until I could leave campus, because I didn't want to be around them. I dreaded Monday mornings, looked forward to Friday afternoons. High school could have possibly been thee worst time of my life.

It's taken almost two years now for me to start accepting the personality I actually have, and that I don't have to pretend, because that just causes more problems in the process. I've made darling friends this semester, and a big shoutout to my bestfriend E who's stuck through everything, through most of high school and now all of my college. I'm finally starting to grow up, and it's about damn time. 

Sleepytime now loves. 

Until next time,

S-

Rest in Peace, Papa

When you have someone assist in raising you who isn't your parent, that's really one of the greatest things ever. Those are the people who let you get away with murder, let you stay home when you're only feeling a little sick, give you too many sweets, what have you. My great grandpa helped raise me for most of my childhood, until he got too old to really be able to do it.

Papa was one of those guys that I had always wanted my boyfriends to be like, and now I look back and laugh, because those guys don't really exist anymore. He was the reason why I took up Spanish, so that I could sit and have conversations while I was home sick from school. At that point, he didn't have to watch me, so it was really me keeping him company.   As I got into high school, my sports med internship started taking up more and more of my time, but that didn't stop me from seeing me. At least twice a week, I'd go to his house to visit him, or he'd come to mine. At that point, our conversations would start repeating themselves, but he was still my Papa and I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

One day, I was out with my ex when I got a call from my mom, telling me to come home now. We rushed to my house, and she told me she was taking him into the hospital because, as he put it, he was "seeing angels." After they did some tests, they found out that he had cancer, but due to his age and the fact that he had never been under anesthetic, they didn't want to do a biopsy, so they never did. They also found that he had broken vertebrae, growths on his liver, and more. I can't begin to imagine the pain he was in.

In the hospital, they suggested we do hospice care, that of which we did. They expected a few months out of him, but after a few days, his brain function decreased, so we decided to increase his pain medicine and pull the plug. I said my goodbyes before, because I could't be around when I lost one of the most important people in my life..

March 10th, my great grandpa, Walter Quinn passed away..this was two months before my graduation, one of the things I begged for him to stick around for. I don't believe in afterlife, nor not normally ghosts nor spirits, but three people told me the night of my graduation that nobody was able to sit between where my nana and my mom sat, due to something being there..

I love you Papa. Rest in Peace. I hope you aren't in pain anymore, and I'm sorry for being selfish and still wanting you here..

Falling In Love

Now, y'all might have thought this is some crazy love post, sorry babe. But have you ever fallen in love with someone in a nonsexual way? I have..14 times over..

Now, I should probably explain ahead of time. I'm a babysitter/nanny. It's what I do. Kids are my passion, and I cannot imagine life without them. When I moved into my new neighborhood out in Queen Creek, it was a dream come true, I moved onto a street full of kids, all of which with young parents. We all befriended one another, and everything escalated from there.

It all started when I was about 13, this little boy just took my heart. I watched him every weekend for two and a half years until they moved to Louisiana, might I add, I live in Arizona. That was my first heart break, the first boy who broke my heart, I'll refer to him as B. That might sound creepy, and it wasn't his fault, but when you watch a boy grow, help him learn to talk, read, sing, it's honestly the best feeling in the world. The next two summers after they moved, I drove to see them, and since then, she's remarried, and I haven't really spoken to her much. I occasionally see pictures, and it breaks my heart to see him growing up without me, because 6 years ago, I was the one helping him grow.. ***

I now have 13 other kids in my life. Honestly, they will never replace him, but they each hold a special place in my heart. 1 of which is my nephew, a relationship many people have, but this bond is not something that many people actually have. My nephew was recently diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at 3 years of age. Before, we were close, every time we're around, he always chooses me to cuddle with, sits with me when I have homework to do, give me hugs and kisses, and cry when I leave. After his diagnosis, he has come extremely detached from my family, due to not knowing when someone when someone will be forcing him to take his blood sugar levels or take a shot of insulin. This past weekend, he did not leave my side, he looked so scared, so helpless. Every time I watched him get weak, I just prayed that I could take his pain, and somehow, I feel like something in him knew that he knew that I knew what he was going through.. (wow, what a sentence, haha!)

Now, my other kids, they have opened my eyes to love, J saved my life, telling me she loved me on a night that I was gonna give up my life, how is it that a then one year old could make me feel worthy of life? The twins, their enthusiasm to see me everyday before I moved, my God I miss their voices yelling across the stress. H and her attitude, reminding me just what I was like at that age. T and A came into my life late, but their love for me at such a short period of time. A is such a shy girl, and seeing her light up and get so excited to see me everyday. The boy's craziness making everything so exciting!! And T's little fashion and attitude at only 4!! I love my kids so much, I can't even stand it.

Now that leaves out 3 kids still. Z, N, and S are the 3 I nanny, I see them 3 to 4 times a week. Hockey, figure skating, soccer, church, tutoring, you name it! I had a rough start with them and didn't expect to stay, but am ever so glad I did. A year and a half later, and here I am..Z is learning to read, he read his first sentence the other day, I wanted to cry! N is writing a book for class, doing really good at that, wrote his acknowledgements page by himself and put my name on it before his parents!! And S..S was in the womb when I was around..so cute.. now she's 1 and the cutest thing ever. She get's the biggest smile ever when she sees me and always gives me kisses. :)

Z

Z and I cuddling at the rink, waiting for N's practice to end, he was cold

N was writing his acknowledgment page in secret with his feet on my legs:)

N's acknowledgment page:)

To fall in love with kids is an amazing feeling. It's like, opening yourself up to people who might never remember you again, but to them, you taught them everything they know, how to learn, to read, eat, sleep, love, cry, who knows what else!

Kids, I absolutely love you, with my whole heart, absolutely and entirely every piece of me.

For now,
-S

*B, I know you won't remember this, and you may never stumble upon this, but every day I watched you for 3 months we watched the movies Cars, approximately 116 times..a close friend had a blanket made for me with a backing of Cars so that I would feel closer to you on days when I was feeling down. I still miss you every day.

The Beginning

It's been awhile since I've written much of anything for personal reasons, wow, what it's like to be back. I have created this in order to make peace with some events of my past..this isn't my first method, nor were my other methods the best nor clearly 100% effective. I use a tumblr for the same reason, one I might link in the future, but since this is in my name, and that is not for a reason, it will be something I decide along the way.

So, here's the background..I am excited to begin this journey, one of which has been very well needed and, I think at least, well deserved. As some of you that know me in person may know, I don't have the best of health. This in itself has completely drained me of any and all happiness for years, and this needs to change. Both physically and mentally, it has been hard to handle almost all situations that have been thrown at me. It's been said that you don't know what you have until it's gone but what if you never knew what you had? What many people don't know about me is that I have lived off medicine since I was 11 months old, and to this day, this is the only reason as to why I am still standing. Weak, huh? How is it that I crave to be healthy when I have never known what being healthy is? How is it possible that I crave to quit all these medicines and ride these waves out until the very end when I know that I can't possibly withstand the effects?

This is where I sign out for now. Take care, folks. Have a good one. -S