Worst State

He saw me in my worst state, and that's kind've what scares me...

We worked out, went to dinner, went to his house to watch Frozen with his family, and then he took me home. On the way to dinner, we drove by a car that had caught on fire..the smoke absolutely killed my lungs eventually, although at first, the only thing it really did was make my breathing hurt. By the time we got to watching the movie, I had gotten super itchy, and the pain from breathing had just started weighing down on me. Ry took me home, because we had dropped my car off at my apartment, which worked out for me at least, and I fell asleep on the way home.
I was honestly so embarrassed at how my body reacted to just being around the smoke. I guess I should explain why I was so affected by it....my lungs are of poor condition: I have a rare form of asthma, my lungs have gone into "lung failure" although tests later proved that this is not what happened (this was weird, they still can't figure out what happened), and my lungs are just generally weak. I have issues simply with breathing on some days; my asthma trigger is air, cardio is nearly impossible for me. I still lift, work out, stay active, yet some days, like yesterday, something simple like breathing around smoke crippled me for the night..

The truth is, is that this might possibly be the scariest thing I have ever experienced. When I have these episodes, they engulf my body..I'm generally well aware of my body and the way that it works, the reasons as to why it happens, and these attacks make me lose sight of this, I can't understand the way my body feels, I can't begin to explain the things that it's doing, nor connect how the events to one another. I don't like not being in control, so this causes quite a problem.

I don't typically allow people to see me in this state, I would demand to be taken home and just sleep. But something about Ry makes me not want to run, not make me hide. Even though I don't wanna run, don't wanna hide, I'm still so embarrassed, so scared of my health scaring him off. It's not that he would leave due to my health, but I still don't know what it is that makes me so embarrassed by it. I love that he takes care of me through it..it was honestly the greatest feeling ever..I'm overcoming my fears of being seen while sick, and even telling people that I am sick! Didn't think this would ever happen!! He has now seen me in the worst possible state I could be in..

Well, end of my rant for now.
S-