Nerves..

Welp..Another rough day..you know what that means, another rant..
So I've not told anybody the extent of my nerve damage, not even my doctors know how extreme it gets..
Today, I feel like talking about it, because I feel like that's the only way I'm getting through it without breaking down.

So for background info, I have permanent nerve damage in my abdomen. They only know of one nerve that's damaged, but the rest of the nerves in my body try to compensate for this nerve, leaving me in much more pain on some days. I'm still coming down from the smoke incident the other day, my chest is killing me, and now my nerves are in on torturing me. Before my nap, my chest was the only thing that was hurting me, but now, it's my body.

What happens with a flare up..man..let's try to describe this in the most realistic way possible, though I'm not sure I can do the pain any justice..you know that feeling you get when a body part is a sleep? Normally a foot or your hand.. and that feeling when a bug is on you, or you feel like a bug is on you? Combine those feelings. Now multiple these feelings, and add needles into the mix. I'm currently feeling this throughout my chest, parts of my back, legs, in my hips, and down my arms. Withstanding this pain is ridiculous, it hurts to even wear clothes (due to my skin being so sensitive) and I'm simply just shaking from the amount of pain that I'm in.

These flare ups can occur anywhere from hours, to days, to weeks. Mentally, it's hard for me to keep pushing through the pain, because I simply want to sleep through the days until it no longer exists, but I can't possibly do that with the coursework I have at school and with work. This is the time in my life when I'm most depressed, most needy, most moody.

S-

Worst State

He saw me in my worst state, and that's kind've what scares me...

We worked out, went to dinner, went to his house to watch Frozen with his family, and then he took me home. On the way to dinner, we drove by a car that had caught on fire..the smoke absolutely killed my lungs eventually, although at first, the only thing it really did was make my breathing hurt. By the time we got to watching the movie, I had gotten super itchy, and the pain from breathing had just started weighing down on me. Ry took me home, because we had dropped my car off at my apartment, which worked out for me at least, and I fell asleep on the way home.
I was honestly so embarrassed at how my body reacted to just being around the smoke. I guess I should explain why I was so affected by it....my lungs are of poor condition: I have a rare form of asthma, my lungs have gone into "lung failure" although tests later proved that this is not what happened (this was weird, they still can't figure out what happened), and my lungs are just generally weak. I have issues simply with breathing on some days; my asthma trigger is air, cardio is nearly impossible for me. I still lift, work out, stay active, yet some days, like yesterday, something simple like breathing around smoke crippled me for the night..

The truth is, is that this might possibly be the scariest thing I have ever experienced. When I have these episodes, they engulf my body..I'm generally well aware of my body and the way that it works, the reasons as to why it happens, and these attacks make me lose sight of this, I can't understand the way my body feels, I can't begin to explain the things that it's doing, nor connect how the events to one another. I don't like not being in control, so this causes quite a problem.

I don't typically allow people to see me in this state, I would demand to be taken home and just sleep. But something about Ry makes me not want to run, not make me hide. Even though I don't wanna run, don't wanna hide, I'm still so embarrassed, so scared of my health scaring him off. It's not that he would leave due to my health, but I still don't know what it is that makes me so embarrassed by it. I love that he takes care of me through it..it was honestly the greatest feeling ever..I'm overcoming my fears of being seen while sick, and even telling people that I am sick! Didn't think this would ever happen!! He has now seen me in the worst possible state I could be in..

Well, end of my rant for now.
S-

Going Deep..

Well, where do I begin this..

I'm about to get personal, something that is hard for me to do, so I would appreciate a lack of judgement, thanks.

I'm not exactly the girl everyone has always thought I am. I've always been giggly, smiley, outgoing, what have you. I know people, I'm known by people, and I know of people, but the people I consider friends? Probably about 3.. 

I am probably the least trusting person you will ever meet, extremely self conscious, quiet, reserved, whatever. Who I am to the eye and who I actually am are two totally different people, and up until college, that's always worked in my favor, because I didn't have to accept that I was not this popular, outgoing girl up until that point.

I should have known in high school that I wasn't the "it" girl, I never thought I was, nor did I want to be. Maybe it came in my favor that I attended a high school in the same district I went to school in for 7 some odd years. Initially, up until my surgeries, I was that outgoing girl. But when I got sick, and nobody really cared to even see if I was okay, the walls grew tall in my mind, and my outgoing personality then came to a close. 

It really didn't help that I was extremely self conscious at this time, post-operation, emotional from my surgery, and alone, and this is what changed who I was forever.. 

College has changed that, I don't have these selfish assholes that I once thought were friends, who later turned out to not care for me, but rather, these people who care for me, text me when I'm 3 minutes late for a class: major confidence booster. I have kids begging to have me train them at the gym because of the results I'm getting with my workouts. Now, I sound really cocky, I apologize. But for once, I'm enjoying the attention I'm receiving by people who haven't given up on me, at least not yet.

These kids in high school, yeah they ruined me. 

But I guess I can't completely blame them, seeing as I shouldn't have completely relied on them for my happiness. Other factors did effect my happiness, I will admit to that. I guess I didn't help my situation out much by smiling through it and pretending like I was okay, when I really wasn't, and maybe the fault lies on me. I wasn't that happy, go-lucky girl that I pretended to be. I was that depressed girl that counted down the time until I could leave campus, because I didn't want to be around them. I dreaded Monday mornings, looked forward to Friday afternoons. High school could have possibly been thee worst time of my life.

It's taken almost two years now for me to start accepting the personality I actually have, and that I don't have to pretend, because that just causes more problems in the process. I've made darling friends this semester, and a big shoutout to my bestfriend E who's stuck through everything, through most of high school and now all of my college. I'm finally starting to grow up, and it's about damn time. 

Sleepytime now loves. 

Until next time,

S-