Sick

It's so hard for me to be happy when I'm sick. First it was this wicked cold that started attacking my nerves and then my lungs, and then this wicked migraine, when the cold hasn't even subsided!! Everytime I feel bad, I feel like I start to lose myself, and it's so hard to find it again. On top of this, semester is coming to an end, so stress is piling up there as well, and I'm unable to workout and rid the stress. What am I gonna do!? I need to feel better so I can finish the semester well.. 

I feel like I'm treating everyone like dirt because I feel like crap, especially the boyfriend, and it's not fair to them at all. I feel awful. Sorry everyone..:/

Life currently sucks. 

S-

The Hardest Part. Angry Rant, I apologize.

The hardest part of having so many health issues is thinking about the future and what it brings. For the past 4 years now, I have woken up in pain nearly every day. It's hard to think of the possibility of this continuing in the future. I'm sure that it will, there's not been a new break through that has shown any hope of my pain streak ending any time soon. It's really not fair that I've had to endure this, though I would rather I be the one that endures this, rather than anybody else, because I wouldn't even wish this pain on my worst enemy.

I always think about my wedding day, and if the pain is going to haunt me then. And how about when I have kids, and my kid's wedding? What will become of me then? The hardest part about all this is when I think about all of that..

And maybe the hardest part about all of it is, is my determination to fight it all, to want to be normal so bad, that I'll fight through every bit of pain just to do what normal people can do: to work out, to hike, to care for the kids I watch. Sometimes, I can barely wear a shirt, but because all the other girls are wearing skin tight shirts, guess what I'll be doing. Or maybe it's my normal work out day and I don't feel good, but I won't let down my work out partners, because I just can't do that to them, or myself. Maybe this determination is good for me because it helps me get through everything. But maybe it isn't..maybe it just makes it all worse..

Before you make your snide little comments about how I can't do something that you can do, because of my health, when it's something that I am actually quite capable of doing, just realize that you've just now challenged me to do it 10x better than you, because I'm not that asshole who judges the sick. I might be sick, but because I'm mentally determined, I might just be way more capable than you are. It's hard enough that I have to struggle with not being able to do something, and having a rather large ego does conflict with that, but in addition to this, having "friends" who make comments about how I cannot complete tasks due to my health really irks me.
I can, and I will do everything that any normal pain-free person can do, just you watch. Be on the lookout, for I am not backing down.

S-

Nerves..

Welp..Another rough day..you know what that means, another rant..
So I've not told anybody the extent of my nerve damage, not even my doctors know how extreme it gets..
Today, I feel like talking about it, because I feel like that's the only way I'm getting through it without breaking down.

So for background info, I have permanent nerve damage in my abdomen. They only know of one nerve that's damaged, but the rest of the nerves in my body try to compensate for this nerve, leaving me in much more pain on some days. I'm still coming down from the smoke incident the other day, my chest is killing me, and now my nerves are in on torturing me. Before my nap, my chest was the only thing that was hurting me, but now, it's my body.

What happens with a flare up..man..let's try to describe this in the most realistic way possible, though I'm not sure I can do the pain any justice..you know that feeling you get when a body part is a sleep? Normally a foot or your hand.. and that feeling when a bug is on you, or you feel like a bug is on you? Combine those feelings. Now multiple these feelings, and add needles into the mix. I'm currently feeling this throughout my chest, parts of my back, legs, in my hips, and down my arms. Withstanding this pain is ridiculous, it hurts to even wear clothes (due to my skin being so sensitive) and I'm simply just shaking from the amount of pain that I'm in.

These flare ups can occur anywhere from hours, to days, to weeks. Mentally, it's hard for me to keep pushing through the pain, because I simply want to sleep through the days until it no longer exists, but I can't possibly do that with the coursework I have at school and with work. This is the time in my life when I'm most depressed, most needy, most moody.

S-

Worst State

He saw me in my worst state, and that's kind've what scares me...

We worked out, went to dinner, went to his house to watch Frozen with his family, and then he took me home. On the way to dinner, we drove by a car that had caught on fire..the smoke absolutely killed my lungs eventually, although at first, the only thing it really did was make my breathing hurt. By the time we got to watching the movie, I had gotten super itchy, and the pain from breathing had just started weighing down on me. Ry took me home, because we had dropped my car off at my apartment, which worked out for me at least, and I fell asleep on the way home.
I was honestly so embarrassed at how my body reacted to just being around the smoke. I guess I should explain why I was so affected by it....my lungs are of poor condition: I have a rare form of asthma, my lungs have gone into "lung failure" although tests later proved that this is not what happened (this was weird, they still can't figure out what happened), and my lungs are just generally weak. I have issues simply with breathing on some days; my asthma trigger is air, cardio is nearly impossible for me. I still lift, work out, stay active, yet some days, like yesterday, something simple like breathing around smoke crippled me for the night..

The truth is, is that this might possibly be the scariest thing I have ever experienced. When I have these episodes, they engulf my body..I'm generally well aware of my body and the way that it works, the reasons as to why it happens, and these attacks make me lose sight of this, I can't understand the way my body feels, I can't begin to explain the things that it's doing, nor connect how the events to one another. I don't like not being in control, so this causes quite a problem.

I don't typically allow people to see me in this state, I would demand to be taken home and just sleep. But something about Ry makes me not want to run, not make me hide. Even though I don't wanna run, don't wanna hide, I'm still so embarrassed, so scared of my health scaring him off. It's not that he would leave due to my health, but I still don't know what it is that makes me so embarrassed by it. I love that he takes care of me through it..it was honestly the greatest feeling ever..I'm overcoming my fears of being seen while sick, and even telling people that I am sick! Didn't think this would ever happen!! He has now seen me in the worst possible state I could be in..

Well, end of my rant for now.
S-

Going Deep..

Well, where do I begin this..

I'm about to get personal, something that is hard for me to do, so I would appreciate a lack of judgement, thanks.

I'm not exactly the girl everyone has always thought I am. I've always been giggly, smiley, outgoing, what have you. I know people, I'm known by people, and I know of people, but the people I consider friends? Probably about 3.. 

I am probably the least trusting person you will ever meet, extremely self conscious, quiet, reserved, whatever. Who I am to the eye and who I actually am are two totally different people, and up until college, that's always worked in my favor, because I didn't have to accept that I was not this popular, outgoing girl up until that point.

I should have known in high school that I wasn't the "it" girl, I never thought I was, nor did I want to be. Maybe it came in my favor that I attended a high school in the same district I went to school in for 7 some odd years. Initially, up until my surgeries, I was that outgoing girl. But when I got sick, and nobody really cared to even see if I was okay, the walls grew tall in my mind, and my outgoing personality then came to a close. 

It really didn't help that I was extremely self conscious at this time, post-operation, emotional from my surgery, and alone, and this is what changed who I was forever.. 

College has changed that, I don't have these selfish assholes that I once thought were friends, who later turned out to not care for me, but rather, these people who care for me, text me when I'm 3 minutes late for a class: major confidence booster. I have kids begging to have me train them at the gym because of the results I'm getting with my workouts. Now, I sound really cocky, I apologize. But for once, I'm enjoying the attention I'm receiving by people who haven't given up on me, at least not yet.

These kids in high school, yeah they ruined me. 

But I guess I can't completely blame them, seeing as I shouldn't have completely relied on them for my happiness. Other factors did effect my happiness, I will admit to that. I guess I didn't help my situation out much by smiling through it and pretending like I was okay, when I really wasn't, and maybe the fault lies on me. I wasn't that happy, go-lucky girl that I pretended to be. I was that depressed girl that counted down the time until I could leave campus, because I didn't want to be around them. I dreaded Monday mornings, looked forward to Friday afternoons. High school could have possibly been thee worst time of my life.

It's taken almost two years now for me to start accepting the personality I actually have, and that I don't have to pretend, because that just causes more problems in the process. I've made darling friends this semester, and a big shoutout to my bestfriend E who's stuck through everything, through most of high school and now all of my college. I'm finally starting to grow up, and it's about damn time. 

Sleepytime now loves. 

Until next time,

S-

Rest in Peace, Papa

When you have someone assist in raising you who isn't your parent, that's really one of the greatest things ever. Those are the people who let you get away with murder, let you stay home when you're only feeling a little sick, give you too many sweets, what have you. My great grandpa helped raise me for most of my childhood, until he got too old to really be able to do it.

Papa was one of those guys that I had always wanted my boyfriends to be like, and now I look back and laugh, because those guys don't really exist anymore. He was the reason why I took up Spanish, so that I could sit and have conversations while I was home sick from school. At that point, he didn't have to watch me, so it was really me keeping him company.   As I got into high school, my sports med internship started taking up more and more of my time, but that didn't stop me from seeing me. At least twice a week, I'd go to his house to visit him, or he'd come to mine. At that point, our conversations would start repeating themselves, but he was still my Papa and I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

One day, I was out with my ex when I got a call from my mom, telling me to come home now. We rushed to my house, and she told me she was taking him into the hospital because, as he put it, he was "seeing angels." After they did some tests, they found out that he had cancer, but due to his age and the fact that he had never been under anesthetic, they didn't want to do a biopsy, so they never did. They also found that he had broken vertebrae, growths on his liver, and more. I can't begin to imagine the pain he was in.

In the hospital, they suggested we do hospice care, that of which we did. They expected a few months out of him, but after a few days, his brain function decreased, so we decided to increase his pain medicine and pull the plug. I said my goodbyes before, because I could't be around when I lost one of the most important people in my life..

March 10th, my great grandpa, Walter Quinn passed away..this was two months before my graduation, one of the things I begged for him to stick around for. I don't believe in afterlife, nor not normally ghosts nor spirits, but three people told me the night of my graduation that nobody was able to sit between where my nana and my mom sat, due to something being there..

I love you Papa. Rest in Peace. I hope you aren't in pain anymore, and I'm sorry for being selfish and still wanting you here..

The Beginning

It's been awhile since I've written much of anything for personal reasons, wow, what it's like to be back. I have created this in order to make peace with some events of my past..this isn't my first method, nor were my other methods the best nor clearly 100% effective. I use a tumblr for the same reason, one I might link in the future, but since this is in my name, and that is not for a reason, it will be something I decide along the way.

So, here's the background..I am excited to begin this journey, one of which has been very well needed and, I think at least, well deserved. As some of you that know me in person may know, I don't have the best of health. This in itself has completely drained me of any and all happiness for years, and this needs to change. Both physically and mentally, it has been hard to handle almost all situations that have been thrown at me. It's been said that you don't know what you have until it's gone but what if you never knew what you had? What many people don't know about me is that I have lived off medicine since I was 11 months old, and to this day, this is the only reason as to why I am still standing. Weak, huh? How is it that I crave to be healthy when I have never known what being healthy is? How is it possible that I crave to quit all these medicines and ride these waves out until the very end when I know that I can't possibly withstand the effects?

This is where I sign out for now. Take care, folks. Have a good one. -S