I'm about to get personal, something that is hard for me to do, so I would appreciate a lack of judgement, thanks.
I'm not exactly the girl everyone has always thought I am. I've always been giggly, smiley, outgoing, what have you. I know people, I'm known by people, and I know of people, but the people I consider friends? Probably about 3..
I am probably the least trusting person you will ever meet, extremely self conscious, quiet, reserved, whatever. Who I am to the eye and who I actually am are two totally different people, and up until college, that's always worked in my favor, because I didn't have to accept that I was not this popular, outgoing girl up until that point.
I should have known in high school that I wasn't the "it" girl, I never thought I was, nor did I want to be. Maybe it came in my favor that I attended a high school in the same district I went to school in for 7 some odd years. Initially, up until my surgeries, I was that outgoing girl. But when I got sick, and nobody really cared to even see if I was okay, the walls grew tall in my mind, and my outgoing personality then came to a close.
It really didn't help that I was extremely self conscious at this time, post-operation, emotional from my surgery, and alone, and this is what changed who I was forever..
College has changed that, I don't have these selfish assholes that I once thought were friends, who later turned out to not care for me, but rather, these people who care for me, text me when I'm 3 minutes late for a class: major confidence booster. I have kids begging to have me train them at the gym because of the results I'm getting with my workouts. Now, I sound really cocky, I apologize. But for once, I'm enjoying the attention I'm receiving by people who haven't given up on me, at least not yet.
These kids in high school, yeah they ruined me.
But I guess I can't completely blame them, seeing as I shouldn't have completely relied on them for my happiness. Other factors did effect my happiness, I will admit to that. I guess I didn't help my situation out much by smiling through it and pretending like I was okay, when I really wasn't, and maybe the fault lies on me. I wasn't that happy, go-lucky girl that I pretended to be. I was that depressed girl that counted down the time until I could leave campus, because I didn't want to be around them. I dreaded Monday mornings, looked forward to Friday afternoons. High school could have possibly been thee worst time of my life.
It's taken almost two years now for me to start accepting the personality I actually have, and that I don't have to pretend, because that just causes more problems in the process. I've made darling friends this semester, and a big shoutout to my bestfriend E who's stuck through everything, through most of high school and now all of my college. I'm finally starting to grow up, and it's about damn time.
Sleepytime now loves.
Until next time,
S-
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