And this is why our political situation scares me...

Both candidates were extremely iffy to me, and I have yet to really voice my opinion on any of the candidates so here we go.

As a woman, I did not vote for Hillary Clinton.

But it is because of this that I did not vote for Donald Trump.

As a woman, I'm terrified of Donald Trump.

There are so many perspectives on this election, and here are some of the ones I think cause the most impact, or at least impact me the most.
Marriage is a beautiful beautiful thing, and it should not have restrictions unless due to age and age of consent. Yep, marriage-not straight marriage, or gay marriage. Marriage is the legal bond between people that is a complete social construct- but hey, let's discuss that a little later.
Guns don't shoot people, like knives don't stab people. I do not believe that our rights to bear arms should be taken away. I do think, though, that intensive background checks are necessary in order to ensure security amongst us. Although I would like to give people the benefit of the doubt, there are kids, elderly, disabled that cannot protect themselves, and that is the reason these measures must be put in place.
EDUCATION EDUCATION EDUCATION. Gosh so much needs done here.I absolutely 10000% agree that Common Core has got to be abolished. It is the most inefficient method of teaching and learning that we can just skip over. We need to do something about the cost of college, the difficulty in getting loans, and repayment of loans.
Healthcare is a big deal as well. I personally Obamacare should either be altered or destroyed. I like the opportunity it gave to people who couldn't ever really get health insurance before, but I guess I really don't understand the efficiency of the fees for not having Obamacare, besides the fact that it funds the program itself. I don't agree with the borders on healthcare (in-state/out-of-state costs) and this is definitely something to look into. Personally, I've experienced that this adds up financially, because I still fall on my parent's insurance and they live in a different state. Premiums rise, and it's just a nasty situation. I do believe that there should be nationwide programs available or statewide, but also the option to choose what fits your situation.
Abortion- if this is a touchy subject, you might want to stop now. I am pro-choice for abortion and the reason being is that I don't agree with bringing a child into this world that's not wanted, and the sad part is that there's only so many people willing to adopt to make these extra kids feel wanted. I disagree with the fact that couples will not be safe and abort because they just don't want a child, but I also agree with a couple not being safe, and aborting because they are drug users and don't want to pass that onto a kid. Of course, I think the option should be available for rape victims and mothers that will not survive if they carry the baby to term. What is uncomfortable to me is funding for late abortions. In most situations, a woman should be aware she is pregnant fairly early, and late abortions shouldn't be needed, but I've not been in the situation to prove otherwise. Regardless, I think this has to be situational.
I am not for or against war. On one hand, I disagree with war and putting people's lives at risk for a disagreement, however big. But on the other hand, I think that it would be ridiculous to not stand up for ourselves, so sometimes war is needed. I don't want to encourage this at all, and I definitely don't encourage bringing back a draft either.
I DON'T BELIEVE IN A WALL BETWEEN MEXICO AND THE UNITED STATES, but I do think that we need to tighten down on immigration. I think I consider everything as situational. I am not personally against a certain type of people, and for this I don't understand the fear that people have for one type of person-race, social standing, or even gender and sexuality. Maybe something I'll never understand.
This whole marijuana topic. Let's be real. It's a complete joke. If it has the capability to cure cancer, lessen the symptoms, even help other diseases, ailments, pains, whatever, then why the hell is it illegal? Ah, a plant is way cheaper than the amount of money put into the healthcare system. I am not against modern medicine whatsoever, but I think our outlook on marijuana use is bizarre.

So here it is.

As a woman, I fear Donald Trump.

I think that our biggest downfall in humanity is the ability to hate and the ability to love. These are the most impacting feelings a person can feel and that feeling alone is enough to change anybody. I classify Trump's demeaning, vulgar language, misuse and discrediting the success of women as hatred for this reason alone. In order to compare two of the same objects and be able to see one as better, the lesser one has to have some trait that makes it worse, therefore causing this unintentional hate for it. From the public eye, it appears as if women and men are placed on this comparison spectrum, causing men to overpower women, in his eyes at least. As a human, I do understand what it is like to love and to hate. The thing is, hatred brings out some extreme actions in people, and to have a leader that voices this so proudly is absolutely terrifying. Here's why.
Subliminal messages are something we've been taught about in school. Subliminal messages are messages that slip your conscious mind and slip into the unconscious, yet still have an affect on the way you live based on being recepted by the brain regardless. Although Trump's comments degrading women have been vocally heard, they have been pushed to the side as if they don't have much meaning. Personally, since this campaign started, I've heard 5 or 6 different comments said by Trump. Now fast forward 4 years. We're still hearing those same comments, even at the same frequency, but they've slipped under the radar and even slipped in the ears of our now 16 year old son. Now this 16 year old boy thinks it's okay to degrade women. And then what about the defense mechanism women now have in order to stand up for themselves? It's a revolving circle of aggression that our country does not need. The aggression won't stop here, and that's where the problem is.

Donald Trump is open with his hatred of women.
I fear Donald Trump because I am a woman.

Confessions From A Sick Girl

Being sick comes with a lot of baggage, and when I say a lot, oh boy. Because all I've ever known is being sick, I understand when my significant other want to go do their own thing, hang out with their friends, whatever it is, because I understand that going through what I'm going through is hell, and I don't expect anyone there 100%. But there are a few things that would help get us through it.

Patience. It takes a lot out of  someone 's sick to function like a normal person sometimes. Have patience, daily functions might be too difficult and because it is something your significant other feels they SHOULD be able to do yet are struggling with, it might be getting to them mentally. Remember, you aren't the only person let down.

Adaptability. Again, it's hard to function normally sometimes. Your significant other might make plans they absolutely cannot follow through with when the time comes, and there needs to be a level of respect there. Although this is a big let down, you aren't the only one going through this. Be willing to reschedule, cancel completely, make a different plan for the night, whatever. Trust me, if your significant other is willing to cancel on plans that have been made for a while, they are probably near their breaking point. Don't guilt trip them to that point.

Love. This should be a little self explanatory, but hey. Being sick gets to you mentally, and I can almost guarantee anybody with a chronic illness does not share the love they should for themselves. What I suggest is filling in that gap when they are not able to. The struggle we face being sick is that we let down those around us on bad days, and that's what gets to us. BE THERE, Adapting and having patience will definitely help, but don't be afraid to have a quiet night in where we're both reading separately, or be there as your significant other goes to sleep early. Just be there.

Let us be normal. Although we want you to ask if we're okay, don't assume we can't do the little things like cooking dinner, vacuuming, whatever. We try so hard to be normal that it's really just in your best interest to act as if we are, unless we bring something up ourselves.

-S

You're My Favorite Color

You're my favorite color at 3 am.
The whites of your eyes and nails glow radiantly, like I know your entire soul does- goodness aches from your bones. Keep that glow baby, keep glowing.
Then there's the hint of red blushing on your cheeks at the slight occurrence of an embarrassment, or a fiery topic. Burn like that fire baby, but don't let that fire burn you.
How about the yellow pigmentation off your skin as if the sun is giving you some of its light- shine bright baby, everybody needs your light.
Then there's these blues radiating off your irises like a calm river, but instantly turning into a grey storm, ready to rumble with some heat. Patience baby, a rumbling storm is rarely a good one.
And then I see the black of your shadow and that reminds me of the depth of the world-the hurt and pain. You're not alone, baby, you're never alone.
You're my favorite color at 3 am- pieced together of colors your body absorbs, surrounding me with the complexity of this beautiful world in just a glance.

Opiates May Make Pain Last Longer

So I read an article that brought tons of interest on my part. Opiates have been a well involved part of my life due to my poor health. Fortunately for me, I have found a way to rid the opiates from my life.
Being on opiates is having control in an uncontrollable situation, or so you think at the time. Opiates become a part of control to your life, rather than helping you get a grip on things. It's needing just one more prescription until you can mentally fight the pain, one more pill. So easily obtainable, yet no real results come out of it. I can honestly say that it just masked my pain for years, and it wasn't until I learned how to accept the pain I was in, that I was able to fight the pain without the pills.
This article is definitely a good read, though precise, and mentions that "opiate-based drugs can cause a heightened sensitivity to pain" in some people. I've said this many times before, when I was consumed in the medicine I felt my inability to handle small amounts of pain was remarkable- anything from hitting my arm on the wall or stubbing my toe. "Opioid Induced Hyperalgesia" is the name of this condition- the increased pain sensitivity after chronic opioid use. Not much research has been produced to completely prove that OIH is prevalent and consistently prevalent enough to begin a route of prevention, but I definitely think this should be continued to be researched! In time, I feel as if the hype of pain killers has decreased due to the effects of the medicine, and being a person that has been stuck in the opioid cycle, I definitely think there are other means to handle pain!
Stop the opioid abuse.

https://www.sciencenews.org/article/morphine-may-make-pain-last-longer

-S

Spotify

Spotify gives me the feels EVERY time. I find such good music on there nearly everyday.
Acoustic Covers, and Your Favorite Coffeehouse.
Top stations currently.

Hit me up with your music suggestions!

xoxo
S.

Goals

So I've set up a few goals for myself.

Travel. Travel more. Travel different.
Try new things. Food. Music. Culture.
Accept being alone. Do things alone. Eat at restaurants alone. Travel alone.
Read more. Books, Poetry. News.
Gym it up. Consistency is key, Stay consistent with working out.
Stay connected to family. Family is all we really have through everything.
Stop overworking myself. Enjoy days off- gosh this is so so hard for me.
Write consistently. Write. Edit. Vent. Journal. Whatever the case may be.

xoxo,
S

I'm back..:)

This has been a crazy few months. But here I am, I'm back!
A little recap. I moved to New Mexico in June 2015, and just found out that it'll be a year in just a few weeks, crazy!! So a year of being out of a really bad relationship.
In the past year, I've gained some amazing relationships, and lost some. I lost a very important person to me, my grandma, and that's been extremely hard to cope with.
I've gotten an amazing job that turned into, actually, a very toxic job. Definitely appreciating being out of that situation.
I branched out and began serving, not much of an accomplishment there, but I love it. I get to meet so many fantastic people, and pay my bills. We'll see how this all goes. I plan on writing way more often now that I'm not working 70 hours a week or more. So keep up with it ;)

For now,
S.

Faith.

There are some things that are so easy for some people to accept, and so hard for others. For example, faith and religion.  Throughout my life, I have met my match with faith. Too often I have run to faith in my time of need, desperation. And maybe that's where I'm going wrong. But it seems to be a strange reoccurence each time. I get stranded, let down, left hanging- however you'd like to word it. And that makes it so hard to keep my faith. Maybe I was destined to fail when I searched for faith while in need rather than having it all the time. But many things come through my mind. 

How could I be going through what I'm going through if there is a God?

Will things ever change?

Is this God's plan for me? 

Loves

I've been in love, twice at least. I'd like to think it was twice, I guess. My first love was a teenage love, I thought it was gonna be my life. But I was able to move on. My second love was a kind've roller coaster. It was probably more downs then ups, but as stressful as that lead it to be, we stuck through it, and that's all that matters. We found the ups, always. It was the kind of love that had passion burning in each other's eyes. It was the kind of love that made you reread text messages, look through pictures, in order to make sure it was real. With him, I felt whole again, like I could take on the world. Again, I was so sure this was it, this was the last one. "You're the white dress and wedding ring kind of girl I want." Oh God. I hear those words in my head all the time. Oh God. If only you meant it. And that's when you left. Just as easily as walking in, you walked out. And that roller coaster was now nothing but downs. It was a slope. A deep, dark slope that I'm still descending downwards with, months and months later. You know, I'd like to think that our roller coaster is about to rise again, but now I think I need to be brave enough to get off now. You see, without you, I can't see this roller coaster ever rising again, so maybe I just need to find a new one, a new roller coaster for a changed girl.

Update!

Sorry it's been so long, school is crazy.

So last week I went to the doctors, and they decided to take me off 2 of the 3 prevention medicines I'm on to prepare me for Botox injections (not yet scheduled). And boy has it been hell. My immune system crashed, I think due to my addiction to these medicines and no longer having them in my system. I have literally never felt so weak in my life. When you go from being on medicines you didn't know even affected you, they showed no improvement at all, and then all of a sudden, you're off of them and that's literally all you can think about is taking them, you really don't feel like yourself any longer. It's a rough process, but I'll get there. I'd like to say every day gets easier, but that isn't true. Every day I wake up wondering if I can get away with just a pill, one pill. This isn't who I am.

Maybe one day, I can wake up without a craving or without a migraine. This isn't who I am. My illness is beginning to engulf me and that's scary to me. This is changing me. And I can't stand it.

Xx S

Medically Speaking.

But really, we're not. 

On the inside, you guys have well structured bones, ligaments, tendons, a functioning brain, spinal cord, probably everything where it should be.

Here is what I have been diagnosed with and have had surgically repaired.

Asthma/RSV- leads to other diagnoses  when sick (prone to pneumonia, bronchitis) 

Anxiety

Arthritis in wrists

Chiari Malformation 1

Depression

Weak bones

Ulcers

Surgically Repaired:

Kneecap Subluxations- 2 surgeries- problem still present

Bunions- 2 surgeries- solved

Tonsilectomy-Adnoids- solved

Wisdom teeth- solved

Appendix- solved

And here are some things brought on by the Chiari:

Massive migraines every day, bloody noses mostly upon exercise or heart rate increase, numbness in limbs, quivering facial muscles, memory loss, high blood pressure, neck having to pop literally every ten minutes- if not, the pressure buildup is too much, forgetting my words, forgetting how to phrase sentences, depression, anxiety attacks (especially at night), pressure in the back of my head/skull or down my neck, vertigo vs random dizzy spells, nausea, weight loss, paranoia some nights. And migraines migraines migraines migraines. 

So just a little food for thought. Never come out with anything like that! 

Xoxo.

S.

And it begins.

The body tingles. The memory loss. The shaking. The muscle quivers. The muscle weakness. 

It all begins.

It's been a while..

I haven't posted in a while, life has been, well, crazy. Here's a little update on life!

After my birthday, the week after I think, I went to Disneyland for Christmas. So it was Christmas week...welp:) That was the most amazing and depressing thing that I have have ever experienced in my entire life. The Christmas lights were remarkable, and I fell in love. I'm definitely a fan of Christmas lights if I haven't mentioned befofe:) 

I can't even begin to explain how gorgeous it was. Definitely should be on your bucket list:)

So besides the gorgeousness, I was sick as hell the entire time.. Probably can't tell eh? Every ride made me vomit, I couldn't keep food down, I was losing chunks of skin if I brushed into anything on my bare skin, urinating blood, etc. The second day, I rang the doctor, they assumed it was one of the medicines I'm on for my CM1 (Chiari Malformation 1) and he said don't worry about it. I took myself off a pill, and symptoms almost went  completely away. Badumding. Doctor-0, Sam-1.

So I come back to Phoenix, go into the doctor the second week of school I think, and the doctor applauds my decision (definitinely NOT what I was expecting!) But now he puts me on ANOTHER migraine medicine, well more so blood pressure because it typically helps with migraines, lowers my dosages on the other permanently, and here we are- no change. By March, if no change, then I begin Botox shots to try to relieve some swelling. Fun! 

I'm gonna leave this post at this. Stay tuned and strong.

Xoxoxo.

S.

This Isn't Mine but Describes That Guy That Got Away

“"Do you love him", she asked.

"I don’t know," I replied.
“I think I’d need to know what love is to be able to say that I feel it towards someone. The last guy I thought I loved hurt me at every turn he possibly could and in the end left me heart broken with his unfaithful misuse of my trust. Since then I didn’t really trust guys like other girls seemed to, so easily. I kept my distance. I smiled and had basic, forgettable conversations. I was never that girl that lit up a room. I grew from that, made some mistakes and became more of the person I wanted to be because of the lessons I took from them. That’s when I met him. When I was recovering from a year of recklessness and new-found freedom. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol that had my second thoughts and insecurities locked away, but when we met, I had never before felt more comfortable with a stranger. I’ve read many stories and watched more movies than I probably should care to admit, so I know how common it is for people to say that they felt an instant connection or had a spark. But I can’t really say that because it’s not true. It was more like getting to know someone you’ve already met before. And I didn’t really understand this feeling until the realisation of how similar we are hit me. But now I get it. We are two versions of the same person. I can talk to him for hours and hours, yet leave feeling as though it couldn’t have been more than one. He is the first guy who has made me feel comfortable enough to speak my unfiltered mind and allow me to search through the memories of his. His sarcastic humour fits neatly into mine and is sometimes the only thing that can foster a smile from me on the days that seem unreasonably devoid of light. Our interests aren’t identical, but our understanding fills those gaps. Some of our differences have started to change into similar interests and I can never explain how delighted I am to have been introduced to so many wonderful things I was once unaware of. I have felt myself becoming better as a person, and it’s obviously not his work alone, but I’d be lying if I told you he didn’t play a part. My appreciation of his existence is something I never really speak to him about - that’s not the kind of relationship we have. I think we hide behind our cheeky insults and inside jokes because that’s where our comfort level resides at the moment. It’s nice though. There aren’t that many people that I feel completely comfortable around, but he is easily one of them. I’m not sure if this is love, but in all honesty, I don’t mind. I care for him, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do to ensure his happiness and I know I will put in the effort needed to keep him around. Love or not, that’s the kind of friendship I want for the rest of my life.””

Moment of writing #1 // (c.m.)

This just summed it all up. Well that sucks.

S.

Yesterday

I had this bonfire thing for my birthday, took way too many shots, feel like poop today, gonna end up at urgent care because I wasn't able to sleep it off well enough (not hung over, just wicked migraine) and doing it all over tonight. Going to the bar tonight, should be fun! Not about to feel like shit for it :/

S.

Birfday.

Well. I lived to be 21. The 16th was my birthday. Festivities this weekend, so pictures will come then!!

To the one who left---

This is to the one who left-
you absolutely do not know what you've done.
You've crushed me, absolutely crushed me.
It's everyday, I see you everyday, in everything I do.
And I don't know what to do.

You see, I can't figure out if it's you, or the reason why you left.
I mean, many times in my life I've left for the same reason, I've left people's lives because I'm sick.
Just like you left because I'm sick.
But that doesn't solve anything. You just ran away from the problem. And created another one.
You broke my heart. And I can't function without you anymore.

Saturdays scan.

So about two weeks ago, I got a call from the doctor saying I needed an emergency scan. I just got it on Saturday. Well. Heres everything in a picture:

So the left picture is a normal brain, the right top is my diagnosing scan from August? I think. And the bottom right is Saturdays. If you remember, I have Chiari Malformation 1, Cerebellar Tonsillar Ectopia, or a brain hernia. You can see it in the space I'm pointing at in the two scans. I decided not to point in the last one so you could look at other landmarks. So you can see a notable difference in the size of my cerebellum, and that's not good at all. 

So I'm just waiting on the doctor to call me with results. The scan was to originally look at the blood flow, but I don't know how to read that portion:) 

I'll try to update y'all.

Much love.

S

Frightening.

Since I saw my last scan, things have changed in myself, and it's honestly kind've scary. I'm not sure why, but I'm starting to find the beauty in the little things. I'm sitting here at work, waiting for the little girl I nanny to get off the bus and I realized I've never really paid attention to the trees. Now I see them, and they're gorgeous, big and full of life. It makes me wonder if I'll ever get to thag point, or if this is how far I'll come. I look at the variety in them, I mean, I don't know anything about trees, but there's one with yellow leaves that's shaped a little rounder, one who's green who's leaves are shaped like a Christmas trees are, but stump is not. It makes me think of how we sit there are judge each other. I mean, these are all gorgeous trees, but I'm not judging the yellow tree for being fat, or the green tree for being too tall, so why as humans do we do that? 

Life as humankind is truly interesting. 

S.

Being sick

Being sick isn't about feeling ill or being in pain all the time. It's not about the doctor's visits, the viles of blood, the antibiotics, or testing out different medicines to figure out which one works, even if it results in weeks of countless symptoms that make you feel on the brink of death. Oh no. This is almost the easist part of being sick.

Being sick also isn't about sleeping more hours than you're awake because you can't stand the pain you're in, or maybe sleeping through a job, meeting, class, 11 alarms, because your body is simply too frail to fight the ailment attacking it, let alone struggle to wake up early after a late night of throwing up because your body couldn't accept the food you fed it. Nah, this isn't the hard part either.

The hardest part is the relationship aspect. To go through this alone can quite honestly be terrifying. But what is even harder is when somebody chooses to  leave because of it. I think at that pont it's safe to say we almost want to give up up the progress  we have made.

Being sick is about avoiding relationships of any sort in order to avoid being hurt, because everybody always runs away.

But I'm not willing to do that anymore. 

I'm terrified, but I'm here to fight. 

S