Poem of Mine

So I found this on my computer, I can't remember the time frame I wrote this in, I don't even remember writing this haha. Kind've nervous posting this. Well, here's some of my writing. Welp.

Completion

She stares out the window,

Swallowed whole into her tears

The stars twinkle high above,

and she wonders how they never lose their gleam.

He skips rocks on the river,

Distorting the moon’s reflection

He can’t stand to see how brave it stands

When all other hope seems to have been lost.

Two lost hearts, looking for their shot,

One pictures a family with an unfamiliar face,

One sees a best friend, never to be replaced.

Two lost hearts, brought together because of one cause;

The dreams they once had, now lay shattered on the ground.

Two lost hearts, two lost dreams.

First sight, they attract,

Leaving not a chance for another heartbreak

Now a shoulder to lean on,

And a love so strong;

Two new people, one new gleam.

Together a whole heart, beating as if never broken,

The smile is the finishing touch to that glow upon her face,

As she completes the family portrait in her head, with him filling in the space. 

Victims of Sexual Violence

ASU is currently doing a little snippet on victims of sexual violence, and had people make shirts, that majority of which that said "stand up for yourself and tell someone." Most of you are thinking good job ASU. No. Just no. You are probably not a victim if you are thinking this.

When I saw this, I nearly ran to the bathroom and started to cry. You guys don't know know what it's like. You aren't promoting victims to stand up against those committing these crimes, you're just putting more pressure on these victims. Many of the people that commit these crimes are people we know.. do you know how hard it is to get the courage to tell someone about this crime!? Now, with this movement, you're not only making the victim feel as if they're letting themselves down, but also you. 

I'm a victim. I know what it's like. This movement, it didn't make me feel honored, it didn't make me feel proud that someone was finally standing up for me..it made me feel ashamed that I had not told sooner..one more person I had let down..

I understand you want people to act out, I really do. But understand how hard it is when you're in the situation of hurting somebody's family that you know, or maybe even your own? 

Words of thought.

S.

End of Semester

The end of the semester puts a ridiculous amount of stress on me, to the point I feel like I'm about to fall into bad habits, habits that I've been so good about breaking. Just have to stay strong, get through the next month and I'll be good. I just have to try not to burn relationships in the process and not let myself get super sick. It's hard trying to not give into it, not allowing yourself to be stressed, because this is when I allow myself to get sick, and this just complicated everything. Only a few weeks left. I hope I pass everything.. Welp. Date night tonight, my best friend and boyfriend get to meet, ahh!! Should be fun.

For now. 
S-

Sick

It's so hard for me to be happy when I'm sick. First it was this wicked cold that started attacking my nerves and then my lungs, and then this wicked migraine, when the cold hasn't even subsided!! Everytime I feel bad, I feel like I start to lose myself, and it's so hard to find it again. On top of this, semester is coming to an end, so stress is piling up there as well, and I'm unable to workout and rid the stress. What am I gonna do!? I need to feel better so I can finish the semester well.. 

I feel like I'm treating everyone like dirt because I feel like crap, especially the boyfriend, and it's not fair to them at all. I feel awful. Sorry everyone..:/

Life currently sucks. 

S-

Family Rant.

There's someone in my family who is currently really bothering me, so here goes nothing.

This person, I'll call them M, is on one of the same medicines as me, a nerve medicine. Nerves are very picky, and as one can assume, if messed with, it can become very dangerous. So because M wants to get disability for God knows what reason because she's more functioning than most people I know, she claims she'll just forget her dosages of this medicine in order to make herself sick.

You don't understand how much this angers me. In my situation, it is not a guarantee if this medicine even works on a daily basis, but because I get some relief on some days, I do not want to get rid of it, and I am on an exceedingly high dosage that taking more to get more results could possibly only give me negative side effects. It upsets me that M is just begging for this pain, when this is something I have to deal with on a regular basis. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, but I really do hope M feels side effects, not severe ones, of course, when she rids the pills, since she's willing to do so so enthusiastically,  even though I've talked with her about the side effects. Maybe then she'll realize what I've been going through and start taking her medicine seriously or get off of it. 

Wrong of me, I know..

 S-

The Hardest Part. Angry Rant, I apologize.

The hardest part of having so many health issues is thinking about the future and what it brings. For the past 4 years now, I have woken up in pain nearly every day. It's hard to think of the possibility of this continuing in the future. I'm sure that it will, there's not been a new break through that has shown any hope of my pain streak ending any time soon. It's really not fair that I've had to endure this, though I would rather I be the one that endures this, rather than anybody else, because I wouldn't even wish this pain on my worst enemy.

I always think about my wedding day, and if the pain is going to haunt me then. And how about when I have kids, and my kid's wedding? What will become of me then? The hardest part about all this is when I think about all of that..

And maybe the hardest part about all of it is, is my determination to fight it all, to want to be normal so bad, that I'll fight through every bit of pain just to do what normal people can do: to work out, to hike, to care for the kids I watch. Sometimes, I can barely wear a shirt, but because all the other girls are wearing skin tight shirts, guess what I'll be doing. Or maybe it's my normal work out day and I don't feel good, but I won't let down my work out partners, because I just can't do that to them, or myself. Maybe this determination is good for me because it helps me get through everything. But maybe it isn't..maybe it just makes it all worse..

Before you make your snide little comments about how I can't do something that you can do, because of my health, when it's something that I am actually quite capable of doing, just realize that you've just now challenged me to do it 10x better than you, because I'm not that asshole who judges the sick. I might be sick, but because I'm mentally determined, I might just be way more capable than you are. It's hard enough that I have to struggle with not being able to do something, and having a rather large ego does conflict with that, but in addition to this, having "friends" who make comments about how I cannot complete tasks due to my health really irks me.
I can, and I will do everything that any normal pain-free person can do, just you watch. Be on the lookout, for I am not backing down.

S-