Thursday

On Thursday I find out if I get life changing brain surgery. Brain surgery, you get that? 20 years old. My life is a mess. I'm barely hanging on a thread, mentally and physically. I have nobody standing by my side who is actually there for me. Everybody claims that they care, but who's actually been there for me through it..nobody.. I just need a good cry and a hug..

So anyways. I'll update y'all, but there's a good possibility with my symptoms I'll get it, from what I've been told, and I want it, so keep me in your thoughts. Thanks.

Xx 

S. 

Latest News

I just thought I should address this, for the sake of talking about it, I suppose. As a result of a year straight of a migraine, I decided to get a brain MRI, and the results, not so good. It's been discovered that I have a sort of a brain hernia, called Cerebellar Tonsillar Ectopia, or Chiari Malformation 0-1. To be honest, I'm terrified of what can happen because of this. Of course I did my research, and my fears have come true. The doctor I was seeing doesn't seem to want to address this problem, so I'm on the search for a specialist. The migraine is still persistent, and I'm still struggling, but at least I know that there is an underlying reason for this problem. 

For now.

S.

Vegas trip.

Vegas oh Vegas. There was quite a bit of drama. I cannot understand how my family works. I am so glad I got to be a part of it all though. 

As promised, pictures! 

My lovely cousin is my life and soul. I taught her to be a camera-whore her early in life:) aha. 

My cousin Gauge is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is my best friend, my uncle's son.

that's Gauge's kissie face:)

Wedding pictures!!

Yes I'm ridiculously tall!!

Aha! Jokes the whole time!

And just Vegas pictures:) 

My family took every skee-ball machine:) ahah

My aunt, cousin and I at the aquarium:)

Fun stuff:)

Despite the drama, I loved the time I got to spend with the fambam. They're the best.

For now.

S.

Moving On

Coping with a break up is hard, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that mine actually hurt me. Maybe it's the abruptness, or the words said afterwords, or maybe I'll just never know. But what I do know is that it's never easy to think you know somebody and to find out they are the complete opposite of what you thought they were. I also know that I'm not afraid of going out there and trying to find somebody else, somebody who will treat me as I should be treated, somebody who will keep to their word, and somebody who will be understanding when I'm going through the most critical points in my life. 

I'm going to Vegas tomorrow, and that is going to be the absolute time of my life. No regrets, no thoughts on this ridiculous guy and his stupid actions. Just looking out for me from now on. Be on the look-out for pictures. 

Until then.

S...

<3

Knee Report

Tomorrow, I find out if I get a third knee surgery. My hopes? Yes. The possibility, no.. 

My kneecap dislocates, my quadriceps do not function to full capacity due to surgery, and the bone in my kneecap is breaking down. It's hard to have a surgery that is completely functioning with the circumstances. So hopefully this surgery is able to happen even with these circumstances.

I guess we'll see.

S-

Pain.

I'm tired of the pain,

Staying up til two a.m.

Crying myself to sleep because I can't stand the pain.

I can't handle it anymore, I just want it all to end,

The pain to just all end, the agonizing pain.

I just pray and pray and pray. 

Some day, one day, I just wish it all to end.

One day, maybe one day I won't have to live in pain. 

Maybe one day, some day I won't awaken in pain

Every single morning of every single day.

Pain. Pain. Pain.

I just wish it all to end.

Please just all end.

Sick..again.

So, it's been awhile. I'll update y'all on vacations later:) But here's a status report on thy health.

I find myself with another infection that's pretty serious, and it's absolutely draining me. It takes awhile before it hits, but when it hits, it attacks hard. It hit me last night, and I feel like absolute death. I just started working a new job, and I hope that this doesn't get in the way. 

My infection is not contagious unless my blood gets in the pathway of the other person, so that's good: makes it safe for the kids I watch. Gosh, I'm just so fatigued and in pain. I don't know how my body has been fighting this for weeks, yet am only showing symptoms now. It's quite crazy to think that I had something attacking me this entire time, but my body barely now gave it the power to destroy me? The reason? Who knows...

-S