Loves

I've been in love, twice at least. I'd like to think it was twice, I guess. My first love was a teenage love, I thought it was gonna be my life. But I was able to move on. My second love was a kind've roller coaster. It was probably more downs then ups, but as stressful as that lead it to be, we stuck through it, and that's all that matters. We found the ups, always. It was the kind of love that had passion burning in each other's eyes. It was the kind of love that made you reread text messages, look through pictures, in order to make sure it was real. With him, I felt whole again, like I could take on the world. Again, I was so sure this was it, this was the last one. "You're the white dress and wedding ring kind of girl I want." Oh God. I hear those words in my head all the time. Oh God. If only you meant it. And that's when you left. Just as easily as walking in, you walked out. And that roller coaster was now nothing but downs. It was a slope. A deep, dark slope that I'm still descending downwards with, months and months later. You know, I'd like to think that our roller coaster is about to rise again, but now I think I need to be brave enough to get off now. You see, without you, I can't see this roller coaster ever rising again, so maybe I just need to find a new one, a new roller coaster for a changed girl.

Update!

Sorry it's been so long, school is crazy.

So last week I went to the doctors, and they decided to take me off 2 of the 3 prevention medicines I'm on to prepare me for Botox injections (not yet scheduled). And boy has it been hell. My immune system crashed, I think due to my addiction to these medicines and no longer having them in my system. I have literally never felt so weak in my life. When you go from being on medicines you didn't know even affected you, they showed no improvement at all, and then all of a sudden, you're off of them and that's literally all you can think about is taking them, you really don't feel like yourself any longer. It's a rough process, but I'll get there. I'd like to say every day gets easier, but that isn't true. Every day I wake up wondering if I can get away with just a pill, one pill. This isn't who I am.

Maybe one day, I can wake up without a craving or without a migraine. This isn't who I am. My illness is beginning to engulf me and that's scary to me. This is changing me. And I can't stand it.

Xx S

Medically Speaking.

But really, we're not. 

On the inside, you guys have well structured bones, ligaments, tendons, a functioning brain, spinal cord, probably everything where it should be.

Here is what I have been diagnosed with and have had surgically repaired.

Asthma/RSV- leads to other diagnoses  when sick (prone to pneumonia, bronchitis) 

Anxiety

Arthritis in wrists

Chiari Malformation 1

Depression

Weak bones

Ulcers

Surgically Repaired:

Kneecap Subluxations- 2 surgeries- problem still present

Bunions- 2 surgeries- solved

Tonsilectomy-Adnoids- solved

Wisdom teeth- solved

Appendix- solved

And here are some things brought on by the Chiari:

Massive migraines every day, bloody noses mostly upon exercise or heart rate increase, numbness in limbs, quivering facial muscles, memory loss, high blood pressure, neck having to pop literally every ten minutes- if not, the pressure buildup is too much, forgetting my words, forgetting how to phrase sentences, depression, anxiety attacks (especially at night), pressure in the back of my head/skull or down my neck, vertigo vs random dizzy spells, nausea, weight loss, paranoia some nights. And migraines migraines migraines migraines. 

So just a little food for thought. Never come out with anything like that! 

Xoxo.

S.

And it begins.

The body tingles. The memory loss. The shaking. The muscle quivers. The muscle weakness. 

It all begins.

It's been a while..

I haven't posted in a while, life has been, well, crazy. Here's a little update on life!

After my birthday, the week after I think, I went to Disneyland for Christmas. So it was Christmas week...welp:) That was the most amazing and depressing thing that I have have ever experienced in my entire life. The Christmas lights were remarkable, and I fell in love. I'm definitely a fan of Christmas lights if I haven't mentioned befofe:) 

I can't even begin to explain how gorgeous it was. Definitely should be on your bucket list:)

So besides the gorgeousness, I was sick as hell the entire time.. Probably can't tell eh? Every ride made me vomit, I couldn't keep food down, I was losing chunks of skin if I brushed into anything on my bare skin, urinating blood, etc. The second day, I rang the doctor, they assumed it was one of the medicines I'm on for my CM1 (Chiari Malformation 1) and he said don't worry about it. I took myself off a pill, and symptoms almost went  completely away. Badumding. Doctor-0, Sam-1.

So I come back to Phoenix, go into the doctor the second week of school I think, and the doctor applauds my decision (definitinely NOT what I was expecting!) But now he puts me on ANOTHER migraine medicine, well more so blood pressure because it typically helps with migraines, lowers my dosages on the other permanently, and here we are- no change. By March, if no change, then I begin Botox shots to try to relieve some swelling. Fun! 

I'm gonna leave this post at this. Stay tuned and strong.

Xoxoxo.

S.

This Isn't Mine but Describes That Guy That Got Away

“"Do you love him", she asked.

"I don’t know," I replied.
“I think I’d need to know what love is to be able to say that I feel it towards someone. The last guy I thought I loved hurt me at every turn he possibly could and in the end left me heart broken with his unfaithful misuse of my trust. Since then I didn’t really trust guys like other girls seemed to, so easily. I kept my distance. I smiled and had basic, forgettable conversations. I was never that girl that lit up a room. I grew from that, made some mistakes and became more of the person I wanted to be because of the lessons I took from them. That’s when I met him. When I was recovering from a year of recklessness and new-found freedom. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol that had my second thoughts and insecurities locked away, but when we met, I had never before felt more comfortable with a stranger. I’ve read many stories and watched more movies than I probably should care to admit, so I know how common it is for people to say that they felt an instant connection or had a spark. But I can’t really say that because it’s not true. It was more like getting to know someone you’ve already met before. And I didn’t really understand this feeling until the realisation of how similar we are hit me. But now I get it. We are two versions of the same person. I can talk to him for hours and hours, yet leave feeling as though it couldn’t have been more than one. He is the first guy who has made me feel comfortable enough to speak my unfiltered mind and allow me to search through the memories of his. His sarcastic humour fits neatly into mine and is sometimes the only thing that can foster a smile from me on the days that seem unreasonably devoid of light. Our interests aren’t identical, but our understanding fills those gaps. Some of our differences have started to change into similar interests and I can never explain how delighted I am to have been introduced to so many wonderful things I was once unaware of. I have felt myself becoming better as a person, and it’s obviously not his work alone, but I’d be lying if I told you he didn’t play a part. My appreciation of his existence is something I never really speak to him about - that’s not the kind of relationship we have. I think we hide behind our cheeky insults and inside jokes because that’s where our comfort level resides at the moment. It’s nice though. There aren’t that many people that I feel completely comfortable around, but he is easily one of them. I’m not sure if this is love, but in all honesty, I don’t mind. I care for him, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do to ensure his happiness and I know I will put in the effort needed to keep him around. Love or not, that’s the kind of friendship I want for the rest of my life.””

Moment of writing #1 // (c.m.)

This just summed it all up. Well that sucks.

S.

Yesterday

I had this bonfire thing for my birthday, took way too many shots, feel like poop today, gonna end up at urgent care because I wasn't able to sleep it off well enough (not hung over, just wicked migraine) and doing it all over tonight. Going to the bar tonight, should be fun! Not about to feel like shit for it :/

S.