I need help.

I'm having a really rough time getting through everything. They're expecting surgery sooner, my symptoms are increasing, and the days are getting harder to get through. The depression that accompanies this, as well, is increasing. It's so hard for me to get through the days in pain, go to bed knowing I'm going to wake up in pain, and then wake up in pain the next day; it's a neverending cycle that I'm done being involved in. I have my kids to help remind me there is something to look forward to, but I feel as if I'm starting to even lose hope in that.. 

Xoxo. 

S.

Regret Poem- Written 10/8

Regret:

Don't fall in love with me. It'll make me vulnerable. I'll trust you, need you. Don't make me fall in love with you, It'll make me need you, want you.
Desire. Lust. Trust.
Oh the things we'll do to prove we trust each other. Just don't; I don't need it, you shouldn't either. But why? Why do we desire to ensure each other that we aren't breaking these unwritten laws of trust?
Love. Hope. Need.
Don't tell me you need me. Don't make me need you. Please. The things we do, it won't make any sense in the future.
Pain. Hurt. Heartbreak.
It's sure to come, it always does. And all that's left:
Regret.

Writing: October 7th.

I found out some news today, and in this news today, I made a realization. It is, in fact, a possibility that my surgery might happen 10 months before it is supposed to. I might have brain surgery in 2 months. This is crazy. I am stupidly terrified. I was driving home, after this news. After being told that my quality of life in the next two months is just going to keep decreasing when I couldn't imagine this possible when I'm absolutely miserable almost every single day with a pounding migraine.. So anyways, I'm driving home in traffic on this cloudy day in Phoenix rush hour traffic and it decides to start sprinkling, more like spitting. And I made a realization that it is honestly okay for me to be pissed at the world. I could die. And I am holding so strong every damn day of my life, hiding how scared I am, how much pain I'm really in. I honestly just broke down. I just started bawling, in rush hour traffic, and I'm sure I looked like a train wreck, so sorry y'all. But I am pissed. I am pissed at my so called friends who don't give two shits on days I feel like shit. I'm pissed at my roommates who scream when I'm dying of a migraine. I'm pissed at this God figure everybody worships for making me  sick. Because I don't know how anybody could say this can work out for the better, or how I can learn to appreciate this. Because screw you all. I live in pain and have nobody who wants to help me. Not doctors. Not friends. Not God. So my realization is that it's okay for me to be pissed. I do have a right. That is all folks.

But thanks readers. Much love. <3

Xx.

S