This Isn't Mine but Describes That Guy That Got Away

“"Do you love him", she asked.

"I don’t know," I replied.
“I think I’d need to know what love is to be able to say that I feel it towards someone. The last guy I thought I loved hurt me at every turn he possibly could and in the end left me heart broken with his unfaithful misuse of my trust. Since then I didn’t really trust guys like other girls seemed to, so easily. I kept my distance. I smiled and had basic, forgettable conversations. I was never that girl that lit up a room. I grew from that, made some mistakes and became more of the person I wanted to be because of the lessons I took from them. That’s when I met him. When I was recovering from a year of recklessness and new-found freedom. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol that had my second thoughts and insecurities locked away, but when we met, I had never before felt more comfortable with a stranger. I’ve read many stories and watched more movies than I probably should care to admit, so I know how common it is for people to say that they felt an instant connection or had a spark. But I can’t really say that because it’s not true. It was more like getting to know someone you’ve already met before. And I didn’t really understand this feeling until the realisation of how similar we are hit me. But now I get it. We are two versions of the same person. I can talk to him for hours and hours, yet leave feeling as though it couldn’t have been more than one. He is the first guy who has made me feel comfortable enough to speak my unfiltered mind and allow me to search through the memories of his. His sarcastic humour fits neatly into mine and is sometimes the only thing that can foster a smile from me on the days that seem unreasonably devoid of light. Our interests aren’t identical, but our understanding fills those gaps. Some of our differences have started to change into similar interests and I can never explain how delighted I am to have been introduced to so many wonderful things I was once unaware of. I have felt myself becoming better as a person, and it’s obviously not his work alone, but I’d be lying if I told you he didn’t play a part. My appreciation of his existence is something I never really speak to him about - that’s not the kind of relationship we have. I think we hide behind our cheeky insults and inside jokes because that’s where our comfort level resides at the moment. It’s nice though. There aren’t that many people that I feel completely comfortable around, but he is easily one of them. I’m not sure if this is love, but in all honesty, I don’t mind. I care for him, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do to ensure his happiness and I know I will put in the effort needed to keep him around. Love or not, that’s the kind of friendship I want for the rest of my life.””

Moment of writing #1 // (c.m.)

This just summed it all up. Well that sucks.

S.

Yesterday

I had this bonfire thing for my birthday, took way too many shots, feel like poop today, gonna end up at urgent care because I wasn't able to sleep it off well enough (not hung over, just wicked migraine) and doing it all over tonight. Going to the bar tonight, should be fun! Not about to feel like shit for it :/

S.

Birfday.

Well. I lived to be 21. The 16th was my birthday. Festivities this weekend, so pictures will come then!!

To the one who left---

This is to the one who left-
you absolutely do not know what you've done.
You've crushed me, absolutely crushed me.
It's everyday, I see you everyday, in everything I do.
And I don't know what to do.

You see, I can't figure out if it's you, or the reason why you left.
I mean, many times in my life I've left for the same reason, I've left people's lives because I'm sick.
Just like you left because I'm sick.
But that doesn't solve anything. You just ran away from the problem. And created another one.
You broke my heart. And I can't function without you anymore.

Saturdays scan.

So about two weeks ago, I got a call from the doctor saying I needed an emergency scan. I just got it on Saturday. Well. Heres everything in a picture:

So the left picture is a normal brain, the right top is my diagnosing scan from August? I think. And the bottom right is Saturdays. If you remember, I have Chiari Malformation 1, Cerebellar Tonsillar Ectopia, or a brain hernia. You can see it in the space I'm pointing at in the two scans. I decided not to point in the last one so you could look at other landmarks. So you can see a notable difference in the size of my cerebellum, and that's not good at all. 

So I'm just waiting on the doctor to call me with results. The scan was to originally look at the blood flow, but I don't know how to read that portion:) 

I'll try to update y'all.

Much love.

S

Frightening.

Since I saw my last scan, things have changed in myself, and it's honestly kind've scary. I'm not sure why, but I'm starting to find the beauty in the little things. I'm sitting here at work, waiting for the little girl I nanny to get off the bus and I realized I've never really paid attention to the trees. Now I see them, and they're gorgeous, big and full of life. It makes me wonder if I'll ever get to thag point, or if this is how far I'll come. I look at the variety in them, I mean, I don't know anything about trees, but there's one with yellow leaves that's shaped a little rounder, one who's green who's leaves are shaped like a Christmas trees are, but stump is not. It makes me think of how we sit there are judge each other. I mean, these are all gorgeous trees, but I'm not judging the yellow tree for being fat, or the green tree for being too tall, so why as humans do we do that? 

Life as humankind is truly interesting. 

S.

Being sick

Being sick isn't about feeling ill or being in pain all the time. It's not about the doctor's visits, the viles of blood, the antibiotics, or testing out different medicines to figure out which one works, even if it results in weeks of countless symptoms that make you feel on the brink of death. Oh no. This is almost the easist part of being sick.

Being sick also isn't about sleeping more hours than you're awake because you can't stand the pain you're in, or maybe sleeping through a job, meeting, class, 11 alarms, because your body is simply too frail to fight the ailment attacking it, let alone struggle to wake up early after a late night of throwing up because your body couldn't accept the food you fed it. Nah, this isn't the hard part either.

The hardest part is the relationship aspect. To go through this alone can quite honestly be terrifying. But what is even harder is when somebody chooses to  leave because of it. I think at that pont it's safe to say we almost want to give up up the progress  we have made.

Being sick is about avoiding relationships of any sort in order to avoid being hurt, because everybody always runs away.

But I'm not willing to do that anymore. 

I'm terrified, but I'm here to fight. 

S

Doctor's Thoughts.

I was told by my doctor, that one day my heart is going to give up beating from all the pain my body withstands and all the medicine I have been on throughout my life. Well isn't that just dandy. 

Tomorrow, you might not have me. 

-S